I've decided to start ending every sentence in an upward inflection. It seems to work for all the Kardashian offspring; I mean, their fame and fortune isn't based off any recognizable talent or intelligence so it must be the iconic way they end each and every statement as though they're asking a particularity perplexing question.
My Mum and I actually tried it last night. After watching an episode of the "Big Bang Theory" (which I don't feel ashamed for watching as it actually does contain a fair dose of wit) a preview/ad for "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" (god, save me; I'd much rather not) aired, in which one of the "K" girls intoned her concerns about her sister having questions about her paternity. I listened, with rapt attention and with no small measure of wonder as she deftly butchered the English language in less than 15 seconds. It was astounding! Every single sentence, each of which was a declarative statement, ended like this?
Like she wasn't really sure what she was saying?
Because, like, talking is really hard?
It would be, like, so much easier if she could just, like, text it?
...Yeah; it was that bad.
However, I find, if I completely empty my mind, it's much easier to achieve this linguistic effect. Which doesn't say much for the "K" sisters.
This is written in a fit of pique; as I sit and ponder the question of life, the universe and everything and why the hell these vacuous minded, Barbie alternatives have the following that they do. What have they done? What do they do? What is it that society so desperately needs that they seem to have endless supplies of? I am honestly perplexed!
Can someone, like, answer that question for me? Because, I, like, totally don't understand?
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
"My Goals Are Outrageous": A Highly Motivated, Lazy Person's Scapegoat.
Maybe I just set unrealistic, highly ideological, rainbows and unicorns, goals for myself; but I don't think that's it. I think I just suck at achieving them. Because I'm lazy... a procrastinator... too detail oriented?
...Nope; just lazy.
...And the alcohol probably doesn't help. Not like, hard liquor or anything, (no tequila shooters for me -tried that; did not turn out well), just a bottle of wine or two... or something.
Take for instance this wine stain on my floor next to my bed. I rolled over one night (as you do) and heard this tinkling sound (not like pee, tinkling; tinkling like the sound glass makes when you knock it over... at least that's what sound bubbles in all the comic strips say when they're depicting a glass falling over or when there's a wind chime out on the porch on a windy day... what was I talking about...? Oh yeah; not pee tinkles)
So, I roll over and I hear the glass not peeing as I knock it over with my knee and I don't actually register what I've done until I wake up the next morning and there's a wine glass on it's side in my floor and a little bit of wine from the bottom of the glass soaked into the floor.
(Side Note: My wine glasses are not that tall. (What kind of woman do you think I am!?) When I say I hit the glass with my knee, I mean I rolled over on my pallet (because I fancy myself one of those minimalist, bohemian types... and I'm poor) and knocked over the glass which was sitting on the floor at perfect knee-knocking height.)
Moral to this story? Don't take your wine to bed with you... if you sleep on a bamboo pallet... and toss and turn a lot in your sleep.
OR
Make sure you drink all the wine in your glass before you pass out.
I started this post with a theme, a purpose... which I have forgotten. Hold on, let me go back and read and see if I can figure out where this was headed...
...
Right.
I went to a signing last week at the dreaded B&N in Buckhead. I hate B&N *whispers* Barnes and Noble *glares*. Not because of the competition factor; which they totally are. Never mind that my books are just as well organized, way cheaper, and the volunteers are all crazy sarcastic and will try to corrupt you with their infectious laughter, wit and snark... but I digress.
Going to Barnes and Noble is like going to Target and asking the salesperson in furniture what they know about Mission style furnishings and whether or not you can integrate them with your current, Modern Asian themed living room (which you can, by the way). They will either gape at you in horror as they call for security because they're pretty sure you've just propositioned them, or will shrug and say, "I dunno."
B&N employees don't read; at least not any of the ones I've had the pleasure of encountering. Plus, they think they're all that because they have a Starbucks for a cafe. You know what, Barnes and Nobel? I don't care! And Starbucks; your coffee is waaaaay too strong and always over-roasted and when I drink it, I get tummy-ache. (Just kidding Starbucks. While I do think your coffee is a little over-roasted, your hot chocolate pretty much kicks ass and your light blend is really quite lovely... plus walking up to the counter and ordering a Tall Blonde makes me feel naughty in the best possible way).
Anyway; I was at this signing at... that place, and while I was there, I found a few books that I have been looking for. They were freaking expensive! I'm not going to tell you how much I spent on them (because it makes me nauseous) but just trust me when I say, the fact that it was a tax deduction did little to soothe the ache in my wallet. But what really sticks in my crawl (what does that phrase even mean? Seriously? I probably shouldn't use it if I'm not sure of its definition, especially if means something terribly dirty... have to save that stuff for the podcast...)? The fact that there were probably 100 or so other shoppers with stacks of books in the hands/bags/baskets. I'm watching these happy readers drop what has to be around $100, easy, on their purchases with no complaint, only happy smiles, and thinking, "What am I doing wrong?"
Is there something I should be doing? Or is it because I have all these crazy great ideas but I'm too lazy to implement them and the universe recognizes that and is all, "Well if you're gonna sit on your ass then so are we. Two can play this game, missy and let me tell you, we've been doing this a lot longer than you have and we know how it's done up in here!" (Though, in order for the Universe to be taken seriously in that threat, they would have to drop that last "r" when they say, "here"... but I don't know how to spell that so, just re-read it and imagine I did... I'll wait... ... ...See? Way more menacing.)
I've always thought of myself as a leader; a pro-active problem solver when faced with a challenge... maybe I've never really been challenged, though.
You know those moments, when you see where you've been, see where you are and see where you'll be, all in one frighteningly vivid moment; epiphanies, or watershed moments? Yeah; that's what this is.
Until next time,
Peace and happy reading, all...
*Writer's Notes*
To those of you who love and/or work(-ed) for and /or know someone who works/worked for Barnes and Nobel (on re-reading this, I realized that sentence looks really confusing): that little rant was my own personal opinion (I was (grudgingly) impressed with the Buckhead location, actually).
Call me cold-hearted. I'll probably just shrug and agree with you.
---
I'm not much of a drinker. I think my personal record is like, two bottles over the course of a month.
But I do love my wine.
---
Also, the wine stain on the floor? Totally still there.
...Nope; just lazy.
...And the alcohol probably doesn't help. Not like, hard liquor or anything, (no tequila shooters for me -tried that; did not turn out well), just a bottle of wine or two... or something.
Take for instance this wine stain on my floor next to my bed. I rolled over one night (as you do) and heard this tinkling sound (not like pee, tinkling; tinkling like the sound glass makes when you knock it over... at least that's what sound bubbles in all the comic strips say when they're depicting a glass falling over or when there's a wind chime out on the porch on a windy day... what was I talking about...? Oh yeah; not pee tinkles)
So, I roll over and I hear the glass not peeing as I knock it over with my knee and I don't actually register what I've done until I wake up the next morning and there's a wine glass on it's side in my floor and a little bit of wine from the bottom of the glass soaked into the floor.
(Side Note: My wine glasses are not that tall. (What kind of woman do you think I am!?) When I say I hit the glass with my knee, I mean I rolled over on my pallet (because I fancy myself one of those minimalist, bohemian types... and I'm poor) and knocked over the glass which was sitting on the floor at perfect knee-knocking height.)
Moral to this story? Don't take your wine to bed with you... if you sleep on a bamboo pallet... and toss and turn a lot in your sleep.
OR
Make sure you drink all the wine in your glass before you pass out.
I started this post with a theme, a purpose... which I have forgotten. Hold on, let me go back and read and see if I can figure out where this was headed...
...
Right.
I went to a signing last week at the dreaded B&N in Buckhead. I hate B&N *whispers* Barnes and Noble *glares*. Not because of the competition factor; which they totally are. Never mind that my books are just as well organized, way cheaper, and the volunteers are all crazy sarcastic and will try to corrupt you with their infectious laughter, wit and snark... but I digress.
Going to Barnes and Noble is like going to Target and asking the salesperson in furniture what they know about Mission style furnishings and whether or not you can integrate them with your current, Modern Asian themed living room (which you can, by the way). They will either gape at you in horror as they call for security because they're pretty sure you've just propositioned them, or will shrug and say, "I dunno."
B&N employees don't read; at least not any of the ones I've had the pleasure of encountering. Plus, they think they're all that because they have a Starbucks for a cafe. You know what, Barnes and Nobel? I don't care! And Starbucks; your coffee is waaaaay too strong and always over-roasted and when I drink it, I get tummy-ache. (Just kidding Starbucks. While I do think your coffee is a little over-roasted, your hot chocolate pretty much kicks ass and your light blend is really quite lovely... plus walking up to the counter and ordering a Tall Blonde makes me feel naughty in the best possible way).
Anyway; I was at this signing at... that place, and while I was there, I found a few books that I have been looking for. They were freaking expensive! I'm not going to tell you how much I spent on them (because it makes me nauseous) but just trust me when I say, the fact that it was a tax deduction did little to soothe the ache in my wallet. But what really sticks in my crawl (what does that phrase even mean? Seriously? I probably shouldn't use it if I'm not sure of its definition, especially if means something terribly dirty... have to save that stuff for the podcast...)? The fact that there were probably 100 or so other shoppers with stacks of books in the hands/bags/baskets. I'm watching these happy readers drop what has to be around $100, easy, on their purchases with no complaint, only happy smiles, and thinking, "What am I doing wrong?"
Is there something I should be doing? Or is it because I have all these crazy great ideas but I'm too lazy to implement them and the universe recognizes that and is all, "Well if you're gonna sit on your ass then so are we. Two can play this game, missy and let me tell you, we've been doing this a lot longer than you have and we know how it's done up in here!" (Though, in order for the Universe to be taken seriously in that threat, they would have to drop that last "r" when they say, "here"... but I don't know how to spell that so, just re-read it and imagine I did... I'll wait... ... ...See? Way more menacing.)
I've always thought of myself as a leader; a pro-active problem solver when faced with a challenge... maybe I've never really been challenged, though.
You know those moments, when you see where you've been, see where you are and see where you'll be, all in one frighteningly vivid moment; epiphanies, or watershed moments? Yeah; that's what this is.
Until next time,
Peace and happy reading, all...
*Writer's Notes*
To those of you who love and/or work(-ed) for and /or know someone who works/worked for Barnes and Nobel (on re-reading this, I realized that sentence looks really confusing): that little rant was my own personal opinion (I was (grudgingly) impressed with the Buckhead location, actually).
Call me cold-hearted. I'll probably just shrug and agree with you.
---
I'm not much of a drinker. I think my personal record is like, two bottles over the course of a month.
But I do love my wine.
---
Also, the wine stain on the floor? Totally still there.
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