Just Five More Minutes

Owning a business that opens at 10:00 doesn't fit into my sleep schedule. (I'm sure a lot of you own businesses that open, or require you to be in the office/on site even earlier; or maybe you work a job that has you up at all hours of the morning inconsistently... unless, of course, you're a morning person, in which case you probably enjoy yourself... ... ... the point is, I don't want to hear it. This thread isn't about you, this is my sob-show so pipe down.)

If I had to list my top three favorite hobbies in life, the list would look something like this:
-Sleeping
-Reading
-Eating
(with a few doodles of left eyes including finely sculpted eyebrows, tree trunks, a series of cursive "L"s intertwined and a few hearts, deflated on the left side).

I have always been a heavy sleeper. Mum says, when I was an infant, she used to have to wake me up in the middle of the night for feedings, during most of which, I fell back to sleep. I never complained about nap time.

The thing is I always thought, and heard, that when I got older and had more responsibility, that I would be more apt to follow that old adage, early to bed, early to rise.

Bull. Crap.

I still love to sleep.

I set my alarm for 7:00 A.M. each night with the steadfast intention of rising when Kurt Cobain begins to sing (not literally, obviously; it's a ringtone, as I find actual alarm clocks to be morally offensive).
But I don't. Kurt starts singing and I roll over, in a haze, tap the screen to shut him up then press that horrible little button that resets the clock for 8:00 A.M.; at which time, Kurt will sing again, and again, and again, and yet again as I tap the snooze until 8:45.

If I'm being completely honest, this whole "responsible adulthood" thing really sucks a big one at times. When I was younger, I used to walk through the check-out with my Mum at the grocery store and stare longingly at the candy bars and dream of the day when I was old enough to earn my own money and could then buy any candy bar I wanted. And yeah, I can do that now (I could buy 2 if I wanted!); but I also have to look at the calories and deal with the nauseating guilt that follows. Kind of like (I'm removing this analogy; they might kick me off the board for it.)

Being a responsible adult is almost always synonymous with forced lucidity before noon; and I'm still waiting for the day when that equation doesn't sound so disgusting.

It's Not Like I Did It On Purpose!

(Originally Posted June 1st, 2012)


I find there are quite a few necessary evils in life. I could get political here, but I'm not going to. I want to highlight the evils I faced this morning; those being water and customers.
Blah, blah, blah, I hear you; customers aren't evil; they're a blessing. I agree, but I feel there are special circumstances and I'm going to plead my case.

Water: seemingly innocuous; quite healthy even...

(The spokespeople for the water campaigns are such liars.)

When you drink the recommended amount for the day, it makes you pee... a lot. Which, in and of itself, is not a bad thing; however, when introduced to the second evil, it becomes quite nefarious.

Enter Happy Customer:

Me: Whew; too much water! Off to the bathroom.

-door bell chimes-

Me: Oh crap. *smiles* Hi, how are you?!

Happy Customer: Just fine, and yourself?

Me: Better if I had had the chance to go pee *smiles* I'm great! Can I help you find anything? Please say, no, please say, no, please say...

Happy Customer: Yeah, I was wondering if you had "..." by "...".

Me: Oh god *smiles* I think I might; let me just check the inventory. Just cross your legs and try not to wiggle.

Me: Yes we do! I'll grab that for you and be right back! Go quickly, no sudden movements *smiles* Here you are.

Happy Customer: Well I think that's all I need today; how much?

Me: You can have it if I can just go pee! *smiles* That'll be $5.30. Thank you!

Happy Customer (who doesn't understand that my smile is so tight that my face hurts as well as my bladder and that I would gladly stab him in the shin with a spork if it meant I could just go to the bathroom!): You know my best friend's cousin's aunt knows the guy who wrote this book.

Me: I am going to die *smiles* Really? That's incredible!

Happy Customer: Oh yeah; they went to high school together... or was it middle school?

Me: Seriously, I'm about to die *smiles* Well, you know, tomato, tomahto.

Happy Customer: You know, I just can't remember. Let me call her and find out.

And then I pee in the floor and I'm standing there covered in my own shame and Happy Customer is no longer very happy and quickly makes an excuse as he runs out the door staring, horrified/mortified and I'm thinking, this is all your fault, you b@$#@&^!

And that is why Water and Customers are necessary evils.

(Most of that story was exaggerated because, really, writing it any other way would have been totally boring and you would have stopped reading 18 sentences ago.)