It's Not Like I Did It On Purpose!

(Originally Posted June 1st, 2012)


I find there are quite a few necessary evils in life. I could get political here, but I'm not going to. I want to highlight the evils I faced this morning; those being water and customers.
Blah, blah, blah, I hear you; customers aren't evil; they're a blessing. I agree, but I feel there are special circumstances and I'm going to plead my case.

Water: seemingly innocuous; quite healthy even...

(The spokespeople for the water campaigns are such liars.)

When you drink the recommended amount for the day, it makes you pee... a lot. Which, in and of itself, is not a bad thing; however, when introduced to the second evil, it becomes quite nefarious.

Enter Happy Customer:

Me: Whew; too much water! Off to the bathroom.

-door bell chimes-

Me: Oh crap. *smiles* Hi, how are you?!

Happy Customer: Just fine, and yourself?

Me: Better if I had had the chance to go pee *smiles* I'm great! Can I help you find anything? Please say, no, please say, no, please say...

Happy Customer: Yeah, I was wondering if you had "..." by "...".

Me: Oh god *smiles* I think I might; let me just check the inventory. Just cross your legs and try not to wiggle.

Me: Yes we do! I'll grab that for you and be right back! Go quickly, no sudden movements *smiles* Here you are.

Happy Customer: Well I think that's all I need today; how much?

Me: You can have it if I can just go pee! *smiles* That'll be $5.30. Thank you!

Happy Customer (who doesn't understand that my smile is so tight that my face hurts as well as my bladder and that I would gladly stab him in the shin with a spork if it meant I could just go to the bathroom!): You know my best friend's cousin's aunt knows the guy who wrote this book.

Me: I am going to die *smiles* Really? That's incredible!

Happy Customer: Oh yeah; they went to high school together... or was it middle school?

Me: Seriously, I'm about to die *smiles* Well, you know, tomato, tomahto.

Happy Customer: You know, I just can't remember. Let me call her and find out.

And then I pee in the floor and I'm standing there covered in my own shame and Happy Customer is no longer very happy and quickly makes an excuse as he runs out the door staring, horrified/mortified and I'm thinking, this is all your fault, you b@$#@&^!

And that is why Water and Customers are necessary evils.

(Most of that story was exaggerated because, really, writing it any other way would have been totally boring and you would have stopped reading 18 sentences ago.)